There’s lots of things you lose when you become a parent. Your freedom. Your figure. A full nights sleep. The ability to jump on a trampoline without wetting yourself (mums only)!
But the one thing you lose, that no one seems to tell you about, is your ability to swear, curse and cuss as freely as you like.
Pre little people, the worst outcome from dropping the F Bomb (which I have always done quite freely and without shame) is a nasty look from the old lady in the aisle at Tesco, when you cuss out the fact that they don’t have your favourite shampoo.
But post children, accidently blurting out a bloody hell when you spill your tea, can lead to your mini human running through the parents at drop off screaming the said profanity at the top of their voice, followed by a very red faced mum or dad. (Unbelievably this hasn’t actually happened to me yet, but it is surely just a matter of time)!
I know for some people the whole lack of swearing isn’t a problem. But for me, its really bloody, fucking well hard.
Its not that I think swearing is cool (well, maybe its a little bit cool). Its more that it just slips out. And sometimes there is nothing more satisfying than f-ing and jeff-ing at the top of your voice when you are really, really, really bloody well pissed off.
But as much as I enjoy it, I really don’t want my 4-year-old telling his sister to bugger off, or much, much worse.
So here’s my top three favourite child-friendly swear words, for any of you parents who actually give a shit.
1. FOR FUDGE CAKE
This one came from the mouth of my baby boy one day, after I stubbed my toe quite badly on a door frame. While I struggled to hold the swearing in, being the helpful boy he is, he decided I needed a hand. “For Fudge Cake, right mummy?” Whoops.
Obviously the swearing under my breath had NOT been working. Not a great parenting moment for me. All I can say is, thank god he didn’t come out with the real version. And For Fudge Cake has been used in our household ever since.
I love this non-swear-word swear word, because it almost, but not quite, feels like you are actually bloody swearing. It’s kind of satisfying, but not really. It’s like really craving some chocolate, but instead having some low fat strawberry yoghurts. It almost hits the spot, but just really doesn’t. But with small children, with big ears, it is simply, but completely not, the perfect non-swear-word swear word. And you can use it in almost every single fricking sentence, sometimes even fricking twice.
3. SHIZZLE DIZZLE
This complete and utter nonsense word just came out one day when I accidently picked up a packet of open (yes, open) peas upside down. You can imagine what it is I really wanted to say. But as I was cooking with my four-year-old, and his play button at the time was stuck on repeat, I stopped myself in the nick of time and said this instead. It was, actually, an unintentional stroke of genius, because it works on so many levels. What a load of Shizzle Dizzle. Stop that Shizzle Dizzle. I’m losing my Shizzle Dizzle. And the classic, oh Shizzle Dizzle. Try it, its surprisingly satisfying.
So there you go. Three easy to remember, completely ridiculous, child-friendly swear words. They really are a Fricking load of Shizzle Dizzle, but For Fudge Cake, they work.
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