Everyone knows that small children are pretty gross. In fact, most toddlers I know would quite happily walk around with poo smeared across their faces, and literally not give a shit.
But what you might not realise is parents of small children are just as disgusting – if not more disgusting, because, quite frankly, they should know better.
It’s not that parents necessarily do the said gross things. I haven’t come across many mummies tasting the snot from their own noses, licking the floor/ windows/ carpet/ door frame/and anything else in reach, or taking a bite out of a hardened cowpat because they think it’s a biscuit (that particular sick-inducing act belongs to my younger brother).
It’s more that, when you have small children, disgusting things happen to you so often, that you just can’t help but become ok with them.
Here are six of the most disgustingly gross, puke-tastic things that most parents I know wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at. Get your sick bowl ready.
#1 Touching poo
Before children, I don’t think I had ever, in my whole three and a bit decades of life, touched human faeces. Ok, maybe when I was a toddler, I may have reached into the odd stinky nappy. But certainly not as an adult.
Since having children I have had poo on my hands more times than, well, I can count on my hands. Trust me, I do still think it’s disgusting. But, with very (VERY) wiggly toddlers, potty training accidents and the well-known poo explosions, it can happen. Nowadays I just shrug it off (and, of course, immediately wash it off) with no more than a passing thought. And definitely without the shrieks of disgust pre-children me would have made. Told you, parents are unbelievably disgusting.
#2 Snot EVERYWHERE
Both my children tend to spend most of the winter months with runny noses. And, no matter how much I wipe them, snot just seems to get everywhere. When they were babies, I had a constant hardened trail of snot across my shoulder. I have even found it in my hair, on the back of my trousers (following a particularly clingy stage) and on the steering wheel of my car (HOW? Seriously How?). It’s happened so much that, to be honest, I barely give it a second thought. I just pick it off my clothes, or wipe it from whatever surface I have found it, and get on with my day. Yep, gross!!!
#3 Dribbly/ snotty/ food covered kisses
My two-year-old daughter is particularly fond of a kiss. She will grab your face and plant a big, wet smooch on it, regardless of whether she is in the middle of eating something, covered in snot or as dribbly as a virgin in a strip club. And, you know what, I’m ok with it. In fact, I love it. Any time my child wants to show me affection, that’s cool with me. Gross, or not!
#4 Not showering every day
Seriously, how dirty can looking after small children make you?! Surely showering every day isn’t necessary. There’s way more things I could do with my childfree time than washing (like binge watching Call the Midwife). Sure, if I have time, I shower every day (or if I have a work meeting or social event). But if I don’t have time, it’s cool. I’ll wash tomorrow.
#5 Taking clothes out of the dirty wash basket
It’s bloody hard to keep up with the mountains of washing children create. And with school uniforms to wash, and pooey vests festering, my clothes tend to come way down the pecking order. So I admit it, if I cant find what I want in the draw, I often go hunting through the dirty laundry. A baby wipe and a spray of perfume, and its as good as new.
#6 Eating food off the floor
Ok, I know I said at the beginning of this blog that parents don’t do this, but I lied. I’ve always operated under the three second rule anyway, but it has definitely extended to 30 seconds (or more) since having children. Well, they do it!!
What’s the most disgusting thing you have done since having kids? Comment below. Follow this page for more fun (and possibly gross) blogs by For Fudge Cake, and Other Swear Words.