Eight things NOT to say to someone celebrating a BIG birthday during lockdown

Recently, I turned 40! Yep, I’m one of those lucky, lucky people who got to celebrate a BIG birthday during lockdown… WOOOHOOO! (Please read the aforementioned ‘wooohooo’ in the sarcastic, bitter way in which it was intended).

I know, I know. There are much worse things in the world than having to celebrate turning 40 in the crapville that is the beginning of 2021 (famine, cancer, listening to Blur). But still, it was a pretty shite time for a celebration.

So, if you have a loved one celebrating a big birthday during the coming weeks, here’s a few tips on what NOT to say to them.

  1. What have you got planned for your birthday?
    SERIOUSLY!!! Well, I’ve got a walk planned, then some food at home. Then a walk, and a takeaway. And another walk, a film, another walk, three more walks. Then I’m going to run a huge bath and light some candles and pretend I’m at the worst spa day invented. Then I’m going for a walk.
  2. Shall we meet for a walk?
    NO! No more bloody walks.
  3. How was your birthday walk?
    This is NOT a thing!
  4. Just think of how lucky you are and all the positives in your life!
    Fuck off.
  5. It’s only a day, it doesn’t mean anything!
    Again, Fuck off.
  6. We will celebrate properly when this is all over.
    No, we won’t. By then we will have forgotten all about it. Or, even worse, it will be time for my next birthday.
  7. Welcome to the lockdown 40s club
    This is NOT a club I want to join. It is pretty much on a par with saying to someone ‘Welcome to the back acne club’!
  8. Just rewind a year and pretend you’re 39 again.
    Actually, I like this one. In fact, I think I will do this. So, you can ignore this whole post, as I’m only 39!

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is a joke. Being forced to listen to the depressing caterwaulings of blur is not!)

(DISCLAIMER 2.0: I am not a completely unappreciative bitch. I really do appreciate the effort everyone put in to my birthday. I had some lovely walks!)

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